How can I heal a relationship?
by Greg Mackie
Question: The Course urges us to heal our relationships, but how can I heal my relationship with someone when the other person apparently has no desire for the relationship to be healed?
Short answer: I believe that in this situation, the Course would have us do the following: 1) Do everything in our power to allow our own perception of the other person to be healed. 2) Let the Holy Spirit guide the form the relationship takes, including the form in which we extend our healed perception to the other person. 3) Trust that the other person will accept the healing we have extended when he or she is ready, and that the ultimate healing of the relationship is inevitable.
We've all experienced this situation: We dearly want a strained or ruptured relationship to be healed (or at least we think we do), but the other person wants no part of it. Perhaps it is a close relationship in which we see a rift that needs to be repaired, but the other person doesn't acknowledge the rift or want to address it. Perhaps it is a formerly close relationship that has been shattered, but which we would like to put back together. Perhaps it is a relationship of longstanding enmity, in which we are now holding out an olive branch. Whatever the specific situation, it can feel frustrating when our attempts to bring healing to the relationship seem to have no positive effect. It can be distressing when we want to bring peace, but the other person seems bent on continuing the war.
As Course students who want to heal all of our relationships, what can we do about this? I've given my short answer to this question above. Now let's look at the three points of that short answer in more detail:
1) Do everything in our power to allow our own perception of the other person to be healed.
This, of course, is our primary responsibility. We cannot sit around and wait for the other person to wake up one day and say to us, "Hey, let's heal our relationship today." Our job is to do our part to facilitate that healing, and our primary part in the Course's view is to allow our own perception to be healed. It starts with us.
I think that often the first step in allowing our perception to be healed is to get in touch with our unhealed perception of the other person. A number of the Course's forgiveness exercises include this as a preliminary step. So, we may want to begin by asking ourselves questions like: What are my grievances against this person? What has she done to arouse my anger? What do I blame and condemn her for? Personally, I find it very helpful to get a clear and specific picture of my resentments toward the person I'm trying to perceive truly. Only when we bring our resentments out of the darkness can the light of healing shine them away.
There is one form of resentment I think we should especially be on the lookout for here: We are often angry at the other person precisely because she doesn't seem to share our desire to heal the relationship. We think that this relationship could be healed, if only this pig-headed relationship partner of ours would hold up her end of the bargain. The Course warns against this tendency in its discussion of holy relationships: "Perhaps you are now entering upon a campaign to blame [your relationship partner] for the discomfort of the situation in which you find yourself" (T-17.V.11:9). Needless to say, this is not a very healing attitude to adopt, and one I think we would do very well to confront in ourselves.
As part of this process of uncovering our unhealed perception, I think it is also a good idea to question our very perception that the other person has no desire for the relationship to be healed. Now, clearly there are cases where the other person really is resistant to healing, at least outwardly. However, I think that all too often, our belief that the other person doesn't want healing is simply a projection of our own resistance to healing. It is an expression of our unforgiveness, a declaration that this person's heart is just too black with sin to respond to healing. It can become a convenient excuse for us to withhold healing from the other person, and thus keep our own egos intact.
To expose this unforgiving perception, we might ask ourselves questions like: Is it really true that this person doesn't have any desire to heal the relationship? Is it possible that what I'm seeing is only my own resistance to healing? Even if this person really is resisting healing outwardly, isn't there something deep inside her that dearly wants this relationship to be healed? And wouldn't I rather see that something, the innocent Son of God in her who yearns to join with me in peace, instead of seeing her as an evil sinner who is beyond hope of healing? Questions like these can help us get in touch with our unhealed perception, and open our minds to the truth in the other person—an opening that is vital to the process of healing.
Once we get in touch with our unhealed perception of the other person, how do we allow it to be healed? The Course offers us a veritable treasure chest of tools that can help bring this healing about, if we use them. We can ask the Holy Spirit or Jesus for a new perception of the other person. If we are going through the Workbook, we can apply the idea for the day to this relationship. We can do another favorite practice from the Text or Workbook. Personally, I find it useful to counter my specific resentments with Course practices that directly address those particular resentments. (That is one reason why I like to get in touch with my specific resentments.) For example, if I'm angry at someone because he has seemingly betrayed my trust, I might counter that anger with Lesson 181, "I trust my brothers, who are one with me."
The key thing, as I said above, is to do our part. This is what we should be concentrating on instead of waiting for the other person to be struck with the desire for healing, or blaming the other person for not getting with the program. The Course, in fact, tells us that attending to our own responsibility is all we need do to ensure that the other person will get with the program: "Be certain, if you do your part, he will do his, for he will join you where you stand" (T-28.IV.5:1). And while sometimes the other person might not join us outwardly right away, I think that if we look honestly at our relationships, we will find that when we really do our part and experience a genuine shift in our perception, our relationship partner often will join us outwardly right away. A genuine healing on our part is simply bound to have some sort of positive effect on the relationship. By healing our own perception, we pave the way for the healing of our relationship partner's perception as well.
2) Let the Holy Spirit guide the form the relationship takes, including the form in which we extend our healed perception to the other person.
So often, we equate the healing of a relationship with certain external events. In our eyes, a healed relationship means that our friend forgives us for that rotten thing we did, our ex-lover returns to us after years of estrangement, or our enemy has a change of heart and persecutes us no more. We think that there must be some form of external resolution.
But while these kinds of external resolution can and do happen, things don't always work out the way we want. As everyone knows, we don't always get the Hollywood ending. Why don't we always get the resolution we want, even when we've worked very hard on healing a relationship? I can think of at least three reasons. First, our own perception of the other person may not be as healed as we think it is, and our still-buried resentments may contribute to the lack of resolution. Second, however much our perception of the other person may be healed, he has free choice and therefore might not consciously accept the healing himself, which can also block outward resolution. (I'll discuss this idea in more detail below.) Third, even in a situation in which both people consciously accept the healing of their relationship, the Holy Spirit is in charge of how it unfolds in form, and He is not beholden to Hollywood.
In this third case, I think the relationship probably will be healed outwardly in some form that can be recognized. As I said above, a genuine healing on our part is simply bound to have some sort of positive effect on the relationship, and this positive effect will be especially evident when both people are open to healing. However, the Holy Spirit chooses whatever outward form of healing will best serve His plan of salvation, and this form may not be the particular resolution we expect or hope for.
So, for any of these reasons (or perhaps a combination of them), sometimes our friend isn't going to outwardly forgive us, the flame of a former love isn't going to be rekindled, and our enemy isn't going to have an immediate change of heart. We may not see an outward resolution today, next week, next year, or even in this lifetime. And sometimes, relationships are simply meant to end for the time being. The Course, in its discussion of teacher-pupil relationships, tells us that this can be the case even with relationships in which a lot of healing has taken place; such relationships can end simply because "each person involved [has learned] the most that he can from the other person at that time" (M-3.4:1).
Given all of this, I think that it is important to make our peace with the fact that sometimes things just don't change on the outside, however much we may want an outer healing. We need to realize that a lack of change in an external situation doesn't necessarily mean that no healing has taken place. Healing often does lead to miraculous changes in external situations, but the Course also reminds us that miracles "may not always have observable effects" (T-1.I.35:1). External situations are in the Holy Spirit's hands, and I think we would be wise to allow Him to guide the forms that our relationships take.
This same principle of allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us applies to the question of how to extend our healed perception to our relationship partner. Such extension is vitally important in the Course's view, because it communicates our healed perception to the other person, and thus reinforces the healing that took place in our own mind. It is definitely something the Course wants us to do. But how do we do it? In what form should we communicate our healing, especially when the other person doesn't even want to talk to us? The Course's answer is clear and simple: What we must do is ask for Help. The Song of Prayer stresses this point when it says, "And let it not be you who sets the form in which forgiveness comes to save God's Son" (S-2.III.5:3). Instead, we are to turn to our inner Guide, Who "will say exactly what to do, in words that [we] can understand and...can also use" (S-2.III.5:7).
The guidance we receive could vary a great deal, depending upon the situation. In some cases, we may be guided to do nothing but extend a silent blessing to the other person's mind. In others, we may be guided to say or do some kind thing that communicates the love we feel without bringing up the particulars of the relationship problem at all. In still others, we may be guided to address the relationship problem directly in some way. Every situation is different. The important thing is that we do the inner work needed to bring about a real healing in our mind, and that we follow our Guide in how to communicate that healing in a way that will be understood by the other person as a communication of love.
3) Trust that the other person will accept the healing we have extended when he or she is ready, and that the ultimate healing of the relationship is inevitable.
In the last point, I stressed the importance of making peace with the fact that sometimes things just don't change on the outside, in spite of our best efforts to bring about healing. This peace can be difficult to find, however, because in situations where the other person doesn't seem to want healing and there is no external resolution, it can be easy to conclude that all of our healing work has been for naught. Perhaps it has made us feel better, but the relationship seems to be no better off than it was before. How can we make peace with that?
We can do so by reminding ourselves that, appearances to the contrary, the relationship is actually much better off than it was before. We may think that our healing work has been for naught, but the Course assures us that this is not really the case. In its view, our healing has not been for us alone; it has extended to our relationship partner, and thus extended to the relationship as a whole. The Course gives us the exceedingly good news that "whenever a teacher of God has tried to be a channel for healing he has succeeded" (M-7.2:1). What is true for teachers of God is, in this case, true for all of us: Simply by attempting to extend healing, we have healed ourselves, our relationship partner, and the relationship itself on a deep level.
But if healing on a deep level always happens, why isn't the relationship always healed on the surface? I discussed three possible reasons above, but I want to focus on the second one here: According to the Course, outward healing may not occur because even when a genuine deep-level healing happens, the healed person may not be ready to consciously accept that healing. If he still has a heavy investment in his ego, he may be afraid of healing, and if this is so, external "healing must wait, for his protection" (M-6.1:9). So, when our relationships show no signs of outward healing in spite of all our healing work, the reason may simply be that one or both of the relationship partners is not yet ready to fully accept the healing that has been offered. When this is the case, our job is to trust that healing has been given and received on a deep level of the mind, and it is being held in trust by the Holy Spirit until the day when it can be fully embraced on a conscious level without fear. The healing will be accepted and experienced by all parties when they are ready.
If every attempt to heal leads to healing on a deep level, then this phenomenon of deep healing followed by delayed conscious acceptance of that healing must happen all the time. I had something happen in my own life recently which may be an example of it. My wife and I have a dear friend who is a recovering drug addict, and doing very well in his recovery. But that wasn't the case several years ago; at that time, he was very much in the throes of his addiction. We knew he was in trouble and attempted to help him, but he would have none of it. He isolated himself from us and totally disappeared from our lives. Our relationship with him had seemingly come to an end.
But just over a month ago, he reestablished contact with us by writing a letter. As I read the letter, one of the things he said had a powerful impact on me: He said that he remembered how much we had tried to help him when he was hitting bottom, and although he rejected our help at the time, in hindsight he recognized what a gift that attempted help was. He came to realize how much we really loved him. Moreover, he said that the memory of this love sustained him over the last few years as he began to walk the road to recovery.
This strikes me as an excellent example of what the Course is saying here about delayed acceptance of healing. When my wife and I attempted to help our friend (however imperfect our attempt may have been), we did give him healing on a deep level. But since he had a heavy investment in his addiction at the time, he wasn't ready for the healing and didn't consciously accept it. The relationship came to an end. But in time, as he began to free himself from the grips of addiction with God's help (as he told us), this deep-level healing began to rise to the surface. He was ready to accept it, and as he did, he began to consciously recognize the love we had given him years ago. As a result, he contacted us again, and our relationship was blessed with a wonderful outward healing. What was planted as a healing seed deep in the mind sprouted and bore fruit when the time was ripe. When all of us were ready, the outward healing appeared.
This readiness will come to everyone sooner or later, for the Course tells us time and time again that healing on all levels is inevitable. We cannot hold it off forever; however long it takes, it will happen. Even those who apparently have no outward desire for a healed relationship have a deep inner desire for healing, and it is only a matter of time before this desire is acknowledged and fulfilled. If we remember this, we can be patient and trust that the healing we give will manifest in form when the minds that receive it are open to fully accept it.
Conclusion
If you have an unhealed relationship in which the other person seems to have no desire to heal the relationship (and who doesn't have such a relationship?), I recommend going through the steps I just outlined above with that relationship in mind. Attend to the healing of your own mind by getting in touch with your misperceptions of the other person, and allowing those misperceptions to be healed through Course practice. (For this purpose, I highly recommend the six Workbook lessons that focus on forgiving particular individuals: Lessons 46, 68, 78, 121, 134, and 161.) Ask the Holy Spirit for help in how to appropriately extend your love, and let Him determine the form the relationship is meant to take. Remind yourself that even if your relationship doesn't look healed on the outside, it is healed on the inside, and trust that this healing will manifest in time.
I think it is also good to keep in mind that this healing may take some time, perhaps a very long time. We need to be patient with the process, and go through the above steps over and over again. There are relationships in my life that I've been working on for years. None of them are perfectly healed yet, but I have experienced increased peace and some genuine breakthroughs in those relationships through using the tools the Course offers me. I know I am peeling the layers of darkness off one by one, and I am heartened by the Course's assurance that I'm bringing the day of perfect healing nearer each time that I do this.
It can certainly feel frustrating when our desire to heal our relationships seems to meet with indifference or even hostility on the part of our relationship partners. It can be especially difficult when relationships seem to come to an end. But the Course assures us that even when we must part ways with one another in the world of form, "what appears to be the end of the relationship [is not] a real end" (M-3.4:4). Jesus promises us that "all who meet will someday meet again, for it is the destiny of all relationships to become holy" (M-3.4:6). As we work to bring healing to our unhealed relationships, it is in this promise that we can rest secure.
Return to top | Send Reader Feedback | | Printer friendly version
Dear friend: We offer the materials on this website to you in the hope that they can serve you well on your journey home. Your continuing donations support the work of the Circle of Atonement. Thank you.
Click here to make a Donation.
This material is copyrighted by the Circle of Atonement, P.O. Box 4238, W. Sedona, AZ 86340. All rights reserved. The opinions expressed are the personal interpretation and understanding of the author(s).
Please report problems to the webmaster.
